Lost in the dark
by peacefulsands
Summary: Nathan makes a mistake as he tries to move forward with Eliot.


Title : **Lost in the Dark**

Fandom : Leverage

Pairing : Eliot/Nathan

Rating : PG-13

Word Count: 1657

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Written for the prompt: Leverage, Eliot, lost in the dark

* * *

_**Lost in the Dark**_

It wasn't obvious at first or even for a long while really if Nate was honest. Eliot was the consummate professional all day, all night, in every aspect of his life that he let other people see.

And maybe that there was the key – every aspect that he _let _other people see.

It took time to get to know him, really know him and from there to begin to understand him. It was a slow process . . . very slow. Nate realized that every tiny element that Eliot let him see was a concession, it was a gift of trust. A confession that he was in pain was an admittance that he was vulnerable. A confession that he enjoyed cooking was asking to be made fun of or to have it taken away.

The fact that each tiny step forward was a 'confession' also said a lot; that Eliot felt it was wrong to allow himself to be in pain or enjoy cooking.

It took months of being together and Eliot getting dressed and going home or to his own room in a hotel every night for Nathan to finally realize there was more to it than Eliot was admitting. Nathan knew he had to push beyond and find out what it was.

The first clue was when Eliot didn't want Nathan to stay over at his, anymore than he wanted the reverse.

The second was his statement that he only slept for forty-five minutes a night. There was no way that was healthy, no way that Nathan could accept that and allow it to continue.

He was determined to dig to the bottom and fix it.

* * *

At first, he tried the tack of going to Eliot's more often. It was a nice apartment, no bachelor pad like his own, more homely, a warmth and secure feeling in his choice of colors, furniture and décor. He pored over the details of Eliot's apartment, looking for a clue, a key to solving the problem. Room by room, he examined and picked apart in his mind and time and again he came up with nothing.

He was no nearer getting Eliot to stay the whole night with him or allow him to stay there and he still had no answers for it.

* * *

Something more drastic was clearly needed and the opportunity came up with a job away from home. Rather than getting Hardison to do the online hotel booking, he took it upon himself. It was a busy time of year and he was counting on that to provide him with what he needed.

It took several calls before he managed to find a hotel with only three available rooms, two doubles and a twin. Easy solution – a double for himself and Eliot, the girls in a twin and Hardison in the other double alone. He said nothing, waiting until they arrived on site.

The others had clearly been surprised at the turn of events but they shrugged and took their keys. Eliot had glared, fire in his eyes as he'd stormed back to the reception desk to ask for another room for himself but there'd been no cancellations and so Eliot was stuck. Silently, he picked his bag up and headed for the elevators. Everyone was used to the rare moments when he lost his temper and knew to leave him alone, to give him time to rein it back in but for the first time Nathan began to wonder if he'd made a mistake.

* * *

Most of the anger had bled from Eliot once they were in the room, as he accepted that it wouldn't achieve anything. The little that was left he turned on Nathan, "You didn't tell me! Did you do this on purpose?"

Nathan for the first time ever, didn't know what to say, but that in itself was enough for Eliot.

"Why, Nate, why can't you just . . ." he took a breath, deep, trying to rein something back that Nathan couldn't be sure of. "Why can't you just accept things the way they are?"

"Because some things change," Nathan said simply.

Eliot shook his head and walked away. Nathan watched as he checked the window, the door, the bathroom, the closet and for the first time, he began to get a small inkling of why Eliot never stayed the night.

* * *

Nothing was resolved by the time they re-joined the others in Hardison's room where he had his laptop set up, but Eliot was quiet and calm. He sat subdued, slightly away from the group but still attentive enough that Nathan was confident he'd know all he needed to for the job.

They went out together to get something to eat and Nathan watched as Eliot spent more time pushing his food around his plate than he did actually eating. He noticed Parker's frown and managed to stop her commenting with a look and a shake of his head just in time, relieved that Parker had at least learnt enough to respond and follow his lead on this.

Back at their own hotel, Eliot suggested a few drinks in the bar. When he ordered a double whiskey instead of a beer, Nathan knew that whatever the problem was, it was huge. Nathan called an end to the evening when Eliot looked like he was about to order a third whiskey, knowing that he needed the younger man on form the following day and not nursing a hangover.

Up in their room, Eliot was agitated, checking and re-checking doors and windows and under the bed and Nathan had never seen him like this and he wished he knew what was going through Eliot's mind, why this was such a big deal.

It took an age to get him to agree to go to bed and when he did, he lay tense on his side on the far edge of the bed. Nathan climbed in behind him, just the one remaining light on beside him. He tried to coax Eliot further across the bed, to relax into its comfort, anything to get rid of this atmosphere between them, but Eliot was still poised like he was about to flee.

With a sad sigh, Nathan rolled back to turn the light out and plunge the room into darkness. They lay there in silence for a moment or two before Nathan noticed the panting breaths beside him. "Eliot?" he said softly, rolling closer and lifting a hand to Eliot's arm.

Eliot tried to pull away with a sharp, "Don't! D-don't touch me!"

Nathan could hear the panic and fear clearly, knew the short breaths were the sign of an impending panic attack and tried again to draw Eliot closer, sliding his hand up Eliot's arm to find his hand clenched tight in the pillow, but the contact was too much for Eliot and with another panicked "Don't touch me!" he was pulling away, rolling out of the bed and on to the floor, 'getting away' clearly the only thought his panic will let through.

Nathan rolled back to flick the light back on, sliding out of bed and moving across the room to settle on the floor in front of Eliot where he was sitting pushed back into a corner, knees drawn up in front of him. Eliot was pale and shocked looking, his breath still coming in short gasps and his eyes were wild and Nathan had no idea what he was seeing, not sure he was here in this room at all.

"Eliot," he said gently. "Eliot, you're okay. I'm here, just me."

Slowly, Eliot calmed, his breath returning to almost normal, but he didn't look any less panicked. Nathan cautiously reached out a hand, catching one of Eliot's in his own. Eliot's grip on his was tenuous for a moment before it strengthened to almost painful, but Nathan could see the panic recede from his eyes, knew Eliot was coming back to him here. He moved to sit alongside, keeping their hands entwined even as he slipped his other arm round Eliot's back, relieved when Eliot accepted the proximity.

"Sorry," Eliot whispered into his neck after Nathan had pulled him closer still.

"It's okay," Nathan replied, because it was. "I'm sorry too. I – I never meant . . ." Eliot just shook his head cutting off the apology. "Talk to me, Eliot, tell me so I don't do this to you again."

"You didn't mean it," he said with a shrug.

"No, you're right, I didn't just the same as I'm guessing you can't help that reaction so tell me about it."

"I – I can't." He tried to pull away, but there was no way Nathan was letting him go through this on his own.

"Let me talk then . . ." Nathan offered. "I think you don't sleep well in the dark." Nathan paused for moment, arm still holding Eliot close as he thought back to his visits to Eliot's apartment. "You have a light that you leave on to chase away the shadows where someone might hide," he murmured, feeling Eliot tense beside him. "Sssh it's okay. I understand." He stilled the shake of Eliot's head.

"In the dark, you can't be sure where you are, you can't be sure you're alone. In the dark, you can't hold back the memories of what's happened in the past."

Nathan could feel as the tremors and shudders gradually eased, as Eliot's mind focused more and more on the present, heard as he murmured more apologies. "Sssh," he said, "It's okay, it's okay." Eliot slumped against him boneless, the last of the adrenaline rush gone leaving him exhausted. "We'll get through this, I promise."

"When it's dark, I can't keep track of where I am, when I am . . . I can't sleep then," Eliot finally admitted accepting Nathan's support. "I get lost in the dark."


End file.
